paradies

i dont want to die. i just want to feel something.

i cant blame anyone or anything besides myself for where i currently reside. on this side city street with trash in the gutters and too many kids and not enough bikes. the air conditioner is turned on under penalty of taxation from the energy company, but fuck them. its too hot to be inside my own skin today.

i want to drain my blood and strain it over ice, chill out.

i want to apologize, first of all to my heart. i have pulled the stitches out too many times, long before the wounds have knit. did i feel too much? was it too real? when is too much not enough.


i overcompensate to try and make up for all the times i have let people down.

i am too scared to walk out my front door. the though of placing my feet on the ground is nauseating. spinning concrete, baking in the sun. the vehicle is sixteen miles away, even though i could throw my shoes at it. i wait. wait for the wave to pass. breathe.

concentrate on breathing in through the nose, and out through the mouth, i can almost forget where i am.

burning under the sun.


gasp.

i see silver stars in the corners of my eyes, twinkling and winking in my vision. oh my eyes, i wish i could claw them out. i would trade every sunrise for sunsets.


forget it, dont mention it. im sorry. thank you. okay, ill see you later.

i love the people in my life. i love them more than i love myself.

i read once,

that the one who you love, and the one who loves you.
are never
ever

the same person.


gasp.


agoraphobia. life-phobia.

gasp.

what ive been up to lately:

wake, work, repeat.

i quit.

wake, breathe, repeat.

i forgot how to breathe.

my breath

is ash.

skeletons dont have any guts.